AppleHammerBee’s 40K Fiction

Disclaimer: Like Games Workshop would have anything to do with this. Nobody is going to make money off this half-assed travesty. Come on, let's use our brains here.

Assistant Shift Sister Leader Sergeant Ashleighcus paused for a moment, isolating and quickly analyzing the all-feeds vox chatter in their helmet.

Pandemonium in the pits of the Microwave Banks. 65% already reporting in high as hell.

The squad doing a sweep of the Dumpitorium was on the verge of breaking, reporting chudsplatter that somehow reached the three-foot mark of a wall. 

"This…this shouldn't be possible!" came the Sanitation Militarum commander's voice, crackling in and out. "Who could have done this?"

"Shut it down," they barked, cold and gravelly. "Let the rest shit their pants boothside like the others."

Not losing their focus on squad comms, they sidestepped a wave of shitlings who had escaped their booth containment.

It was then that Squad Host Fetal Benjamin, with whom they doggedly had maintained line of sight through the horror of early lunch, turned grimly to face them from his station. He didn’t have to say anything. Not 20 yards away, the first waves of doughy evangelicals disembarked from their shiny transports, milling about in benign-looking patterns that belied their utter lethality.

Another Sunday. Another slaughter.

They could feel their Greater Flair Gland — implanted within them via a Sanctioned PowerPoint delivered centuries ago, but still as fresh as a grill burn — responding instantaneously, blasting precious Auxiliary Fucks into their bloodstream.

This is the kind of trial that would have splintered an Applebee's.

But Store #773 was no normal Applebee's.

This was an Applebee's Astartes.

Chaotic Cocktails: Warped Drink Ideas Your Friends Will Hate

In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only rehab.

Breakup Gaming Society proudly unveils the complete cycle of cocktails/shots dedicated to the four Ruinous Powers of Warhammer: 40,000.

Neither Games Workshop nor any of these fine distillers recommend doing any of this.

Fetid Haze (Featured on Ep. 5, “The Fruits of Decay”)
• 1 oz. Pikes Peak Hill Shine
• Generous dash of El Yucateco Green Chile Habanero Sauce
• Easy Cheese Cheddar 'n Bacon Cheese Snack.
To Prepare:
Shake Shine and Habanero then strain into shot glass rimmed with the cheese stuff.

The Butcher’s Nail (Featured on Ep. 27, “Debauchery at the Black Monarch Hotel”)
• 1 oz. Deviation Mountain Herb Gin
• Splash of Clamato
To Prepare:
Pour all ingredients into empty 12-gauge shell. Cover top with hand, pop on counter, down the hatch.

The Prince’s Palindrome (Featured on Ep. 19, “The Slaaneshi Super Shot That Gave Xian PTSD”)
• Boost Canned Oxygen
• Slaaneshi Combat Drug
• Yukon Jack Perma Frost Schnapps
To Prepare:
Arrange on table one shot glass of schnapps, then small pile of combat drug, then oxygen, then more combat drug, then another shot of schnapps. Chosen cultist must work their way through entire palindrome in less than 30 seconds or face the disfavor of Slaanesh.

Inoculation Against Predictability (Featured on Ep. 57, “I’m Tired Tell Me What to Drink and Play”)
• 1.5 oz. Basil Hayden Bourbon
• .25 oz. Galliano
• .25 oz. Goldschlager
• Angostura Cocoa Bitters
To Prepare:
Pour liquors into shaker with ice, add a few dashes of the cocoa bitters, strain into glass. For heightened effect, chase with one capsule of ground Psilocybin. Repeat four or five times, then call your parents and record it.