JerkyHammer W40K: Col. Frankos Rizzos vs. Tyranids
Query Ping 00:030:355
This is 388453.09-77 I Scarfus Automated Comms Node | Designate Lambda
“Real proud of ya. I got a lot on my mind, so listen up, screwy."
Please identify.
“This is Frankos Rizzo. Now listen up..”
Invalid. Please identify.
“COLONEL FRANKOS RIZZO. 122nd Borlean. Now here’s the deal, jackass, you gotta get me...”
Subsector registry does not show 122nd Borlean active from current transmission locale. Please transmit regimental code for verification.
“Not active? We’re active like fuckin’ idiots down here, I got Tyranids, Tyranids flyin’ around, Tyranids pukin’ up shit, those silly-ass ones that hide in the ground and jump right up into your nuts…POW.”
Please transmit regimental code.
“Aaaaach. You’re a special, special kid, you know what? How about I come down there and smack you silly?”
Code not recognized. Retransmit.
“Three days I been here with those ones that Inquisitor What’s-His-Ass said we had to capture down here…Homophones? Sizzlegaunts? We got three of ‘em here in the containment thing, they’re goin’ crazy, three platoons I lose getting these fuckers in. Gone. Salami. Outta there.”
Code not recognized. Escalation protocol. Rerouting.
“Don’t reroute me! Ahh…Leman Russ’ giant balls…”
This is Augustin Diebold, commanding officer of Imperial Frigate Resolute Defenestration. Identify yourself.
“How do you say there, clamtrap. Listen, you gotta send someone to get these screwy-asses, they’re tearing this special little bulb, whatever the fuck you guys call it, they’re tearin’ this fuckin’ thing to pieces. We been tryin’ to keep ‘em in line, shakin’ it real hard. I got two guys jammin’ bayonets in through the air vents…”
Identify yourself at once.
Now here’s the problem, hamshank. You capture a couple of these fuckin’ things, the rest of their little buddies, they get pissed off real fast. [SHOUTING AND BOLTER FIRE] There’s a lot of these screwy bastards, firin’ shitbags all over the place, snappin’ and bitin’, the whole works. The 122nd doesn’t go in for that. Now you comin’ to get these fuckin’ things or no?”
YOU WERE COMMANDED TO…
And I already said Rizzo. R-I-Z-Z-O. 122nd Borlean, Captain Stumpy, whatever the fuck your name is…
AUGUSTIN DIEBOLD, COMMANDING OFFICER OF THE…
That’s great. The frigate, yeah?
Imperial Frigate Resolute Def…
You guys suck a lotta dick up there? Get each other off, have some laughs?
This transmission will be terminated and reported immediately to Lord Militant…
[CRASHING NOISES AND LASGUN FIRE] Three times I tell you, you gotta angle it up! ANGLE IT UP SO IT GETS THEM RIGHT IN THAT FLAPPY SHIT ON THE THORAX. [CROSSTALK] The THORAX. Sweet throne...”
This is Lord Inquisitor Kelvin Hobbes aboard the…
“Yeah. The butt barge. Good Time Charlie told me all about it. [LASGUN FIRE AND ROARING] Aaatta boy. See? Right in that flaps. They love that shit.”
This vessel’s chief astropath has been tasked with a top-tier transmission to verify your identity and the nature of your mission.
“Yeah. That’s great. You do that.”
Providing we are able to verify your mission and locale in time to extract your men and specimens, we’ll also have a pointed discussion about compounding a crisis with insubordination, ragged protocol and your proclivity to flirt with heresy. Do you understand me, Colonel?
“Yeah, you get down here, bring Good Time Charlie, we’ll have any kind of party you want. We’ll get a little scene goin’. [MUFFLED KRAK GRENADE EXPLOSION] with these gumball machines you gave me to put these fuckin’ maniacs in. You do that. I’ll be right here just getting absolutely destroyed as a human being.”
Our lives are instruments of the Emperor. No more.
[STATIC AND YELLING] “That’s great, flapjack. Listen, I got a feelin’ we’re comin’ up on a real wacky part here…” [LASGUN FIRE AND STATIC]
I am ending this transmission for exigency’s sake. The Emperor Protects.
“Ok, we’ll see you later there, fruity.”