I’m the President Now, Check Out These Cool New Laws

Elections take too long and you never get to vote for anything cool, so I’m just declaring myself President of the United States now.

I am a deeply flawed man, but evidence suggests there are absolutely zero standards for inhabiting the Oval Office, plus a bunch of sitting Senators declared that elections where their guy doesn’t win don’t count anyway, so fuck it.

We are going to start doing a simple three-pillar policy now. I call them “Super Laws.” You can cite them in arguments. Just keep shaking your head and be like, “Not according to our New President’s Super Laws.”

1. ”Revolution” by Lazarus A.D. is now the National Anthem
Don’t worry about it if you don’t like thrash or if some members of the band turn out to be chodes, we can change it to a different song later if we want. For now we just need a song that’s not boring and racist.

2. Medicare for All
Of course we can pay for it. The UK has it and that island has a hollowed out economy and is chock full of belligerent subnormals. We can figure it out.

3. Texas is expelled from the Union.
Why wait for heavily armed diaper babies to make a move? Boot ‘em now. I will relocate all military bases to surrounding states and post the 7th Fleet up in the Gulf of Mexico in case they’re feeling themselves and want to try some cute shit.

Please enjoy these new Super Laws.

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